Today is July 4, 2012, and here I am at home, cleaning the house and watching television and checking Facebook.....every. five. minutes.....because for the first time in I-don't-know how many years, we are not celebrating the 4th with lots of friends, food, and fireworks. Part of me is somewhat disappointed; the other part is enjoying a day of rest at home with the kids and NO AGENDA. It's almost.....um, refreshing!
A couple of weeks ago I had a "falling out" of sorts with someone I considered a very good friend. Actually, she was one of my best friends here in Nowhere, Florida, a town that I have had a very hard time adjusting to since our move in 2010. I think in part that difficulty comes from the fact that although there is a Navy base nearby, ours isn't really your typical "military" town. Add to that the fact that hubby's base of station is 50 miles from our house, which means I am not involved in anything military around here. Kind of hard for a woman who has spent the past 15 years attached to the Department of Defense in various ways. It's like all of the sudden I'm a civilian. But not. And all of my friends are civilian, and to be honest, as much as I love and adore and appreciate my friends, they just don't get military life. They haven't experienced it, they don't understand it. Period.
So back to my story about this friend. She betrayed me in what I consider the worst way possible, by sharing something with another person that I had shared with her in confidence. I was hurt and angered, and the whole situation (which involved a fourth party who was also hurt) set off a firestorm of emotions that left me tossing in the wind. I called this friend to confront her and tell her how she hurt me. Maybe she didn't mean to do it. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding. But it only took about 3 minutes for me to realize that she was NOT sorry for what she had done. In fact, she justified her behavior and her betrayal and offered no apology whatsoever. So I hung up the phone completely unsatisfied with our conversation which was nowhere near resolved. Then I did what any right-minded person would do in this situation---I e-mailed her via Facebook.
*(On a sidenote, Blake says that Facebook is evil. From the devil himself. Destroyer of friendships and relationships and marriages. I'm beginning to think he is very astute in his observations).
I let her know in this e-mail how much she had hurt me. How much I had valued our friendship and how betrayed I felt. Her response to me? She told me that I had become so very negative over the past year, and that I needed to "surround myself with positive people" and just "be happy." She then went on to wish me the best of luck in the future. What the.....? What kind of response is that? Is this the new Christian mantra among women who don't want to accept responsibility for offending another sister in Christ? "Well, I'm sorry you were offended. I'm sorry that you feel that way. But I do wish you the best in the future." How incredibly lame. How thoughtless. How RUDE.
I'll admit that her words stung, and although it's been more than 2 weeks since the incident, I still feel the pain of what she said, so much so that there are nights I can't even sleep because I replay her words.....over, and over, and over, doubting who I am and doubting whether or not anyone would ever want to be my friend. She was kind enough to say that I hadn't always been negative, just in the last year. So I began to think about everything that has happened in the last year (or 2 years even).
1. I was diagnosed with a high-risk pregnancy at 32 weeks and stood a chance of losing our 5th child.
2. I gave birth to a child with special needs (a little boy with Down Syndrome, who, as it turns out, is probably the most popular member of our family. Oh, those sweet special needs kids!)
3. Our "special" baby needed surgery immediately after birth and was hospitalized in the NICU for 3 weeks.
4. When our "special" baby was only 3 months old, my husband began a deployment cycle from...well, you-know-where....which left him gone for a total of SEVEN months out of the year.
5. Two days after he left for the first deployment, our baby was hospitalized again. This time, I had to do it alone.
6. I also spent an entire year dealing with another child who has had some serious behavioral issues, partly due to an absent father, partly due to....well, I don't know what. We're still trying to figure that one out. ;)
7. We spent Christmas alone, without husband and father. Wouldn't it be nice if I could be like my friend and have a husband who never traveled and was home from work by 4 everyday. Yes, very nice indeed.
Yes, her words hurt, and maybe she was right. Maybe I have become negative and withdrawn and bitter (although I do think she's exaggerating just a tad). But maybe I could have used a little more support. Real, genuine support, as opposed to the casual "Call me if you need anything" that gets tossed about so frequently by civilians. So, to honor all military families on this Independence Day, I'm sharing a post that one of my friends put on Facebook this morning. A letter from one military spouse to a civilian spouse. Heartfelt words that share more eloquently than I ever could what we military wives would like those in the civilian world to know. That our lives are stressful, emotional, difficult. That our husbands are in foreign lands for months on end, fighting this unseen enemy and putting their own lives in danger. That we know and live with the fear of that black car in our driveway and a knock at the door. That we live in front of Fox News, watching for any news of a plane crash, or a bombing, or an attack on our loved ones. And we might lose our way. We might have times of darkness, or sadness, or overwhelming fear. And what we need, more than anything, is a true friend who can stand by us in those times and love us and encourage us, even if we're a little more "negative" than one would like. I am very thankful for those friends who are ever so faithful. And for those who aren't? Well, I won't lose another minute's sleep over them.
Happy 4th to all those military spouses who keep the world running in the midst of it all. I salute you.
What I Wish my Civilian Friends Knew: A Letter from a Military Wife
by JOCELYN on JULY 2, 2012
by Catherine Fitzgerald
Dear Civilian Friend,
The other day you said to me, “I always want to minister to you, but I don’t know how.” I know I haven’t made it easy on you to figure out the “how.” Blame it on Rosie the Riveter and her “I can do it all” attitude or perhaps Lifetime’s Army Wives and their ability to solve all the drama of military life in 60 minutes or less. Blame it on the pride that comes with this lifestyle, constantly whispering in my ear, asking for help is showing weakness. It’s not fair to you. Or me. Because you want to help and I need it. So here it is. Everything I wished you knew but I can’t seem to tell you.
First and foremost, I need your prayers. Pray for strength and endurance during yet another separation from the love of my life. Pray for my kids because they are struggling without daddy right now. No matter how old they are, no matter how many deployments they’ve been through, every separation is hard on them. And nothing hurts a momma more than to see her kiddos hurting and knowing there is nothing I can do. Pray for my husband. Pray for his safety. Pray for his mind to be able to process the ugliness of war. Pray for our marriage, that it can endure the trials and temptations that come with every departure. Pray for our country and the leaders in charge of putting our husband and father in harm’s way. Just above all else, pray for me, friend.
You should know that I probably won’t ask for much. In fact, you should probably just adopt a “don’t ask, just tell” policy with me. I am coming to watch your kids Monday night. I am coming to mow your lawn next Tuesday. This will be much more effective with me than a blanket “Let me know if you need anything.” Like I said, blame it on Rosie the Riveter or this stubborn pride of mine, but I probably won’t ask you for the help I so desperately need. And if I do, know that it took A LOT for me to get to that point so never make me feel bad about it because I may not ask again. I know the air filter was really dirty and should have been cleaned months ago, but I’m just doing the best that I can, a day at a time.
I need you to walk with me through this deployment. How this translates in real, practical terms is different for each one of us but try and figure it out. Many days I am treading water and can feel like I am about to go under. It may be a break from the kids. Sometimes a trip to the grocery store alone can feel like a day at the spa. Come give my kids a bath and help me get them to bed and I will feel like a new woman. Carry the baby asleep in the carseat to my car and the burden will literally feel lighter. Take my trash can to the curb every Wednesday night so I don’t awake in a panic at midnight and have to run outside to do it. Invite me for dinner so the nights don’t feel so lonely. Ask me to spend the holidays with you because I am so far from my family. Drop off dinner so I don’t have to cook one night. Help fix that leaky faucet so I don’t have to figure out which plumber won’t rip me off in this town I am new in. Come clean my bathrooms because I can never get to them. Mow my yard without even asking. Change the oil in my car, something my husband usually does, so that I don’t have to lug the babies to Jiffy Lube. Watch my kids while I go to the doctor so I don’t have to pay for another babysitter. Offer to come stay the night so I can sleep soundly and not jump at every creak I hear. Just come over and chat, I missing having someone to talk to. Listen to me and you will probably figure out quickly some ways you can show me you care.
Keep encouraging me. Bear with me through this whole deployment. It is like a death. At the beginning, the offers of help and words of encouragement are plentiful, but as I near the end, weary and tired, when I need it the most, they trail off. Remind me of God’s word and His promises. I can become consumed in missing my man and I need to constantly be told that God has a purpose and plan for me in this life just as much as he has one for my husband. Help me find it because sometimes my vision gets so clouded with tears.
I know you don’t every understand everything about my life. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s taken years for me to learn this many acronyms. I want you to understand more and I don’t mind explaining. You don’t have to pity me, but I want your empathy. If you see me huddling with my fellow military wives, don’t think I don’t want to let you in. It’s just that we speak the same language and we have seen each other at the lowest points so we are bonded in an incredible way. That doesn’t mean I don’t desire to have a close bond with you too. But, they are just my default. You can offer me a perspective outside of this life. I need that.
Please know I am grateful for all your help. Though I may not write you a thank you card for each and every act, know I so appreciate it. I know I can get wrapped up in my own hardships and sometimes I forget to ask how I can pray for you. I am sorry. I know God’s comfort so I should be comforting you in your difficulties with the same comfort I have received. I need to work on that. And I need to help you with your needs as well and use the gifts and talents He has given me in ministering to you. Just because my husband is gone, doesn’t mean I can’t serve you. I know it is better to give than to receive.
We are not that different. My husband just took a job where the uncertainty of life is simply in our faces all the time. You sometimes can pretend you are in control of your life. I know I am not. God can use that as a launching pad for an incredible faith and trust in Him. Or Satan can use that to send me into a whirlwind of fear. Help me out of the spiral of anxiety if you see me spinning in it.
I’m glad I was able to tell you all the things I never did before. I hope this helps you figure out how to minister to me. I should have told you sooner, but I just didn’t know how. I need you more than ever these days as the deployments keep coming and the challenges get harder and harder with each moment. Our family can’t do this calling without you so thank you for noticing us and caring enough to show us we aren’t alone in this.
Thank you, friend.
Love,
A Military Wife
